Doctor Who: The Last Stand
by Hubert24601
Summary: Or is that XMen? I have decided to share my eggs... never mind. This is a crazy crossover script that mostly consists of Doctor Who, SW, POTC, LOTR and Rosemary and Thyme. If you don't get anything I'll be glad to help. It's humour!


_**Out Of Randomness of Self, a new weapon has been created… I give you…**_

_**Doctor Who: The Last Stand…(or is that X-Men?)**_

_**SO! Here's the plan. I shall incorporate…. Doctor Who, Star Wars, POTC, maybe a little bit of LOTR, and maybe some… hmm… Rosemary and Thyme? –Grins at the combination-**_

_**Um, I really adore Rose, and I know the Doctor does too… so please don't hate me for saying what I say. The Doctor definitely doesn't mean what he says. –Whistles innocently- at least I hope not. –Points to Mickey- HE MADE ME DO IT!**_

_**I hope y'all like script version, so please don't sue.**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I own… oh yeah, that's right. No one. Shoot.**_

_**Skyper**_

-hrreth

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_**It is a big night, and the first Star Wars ( A/N: I was going to make it Doctor Who but… it didn't really work) movie is opening…with a few twists and turns.**_

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GANDALF: Struts onto stage Hullo ladies and gents, boys and germs, girlies and humbugs, private detectives and investigators, Prime Ministers and Presidents, Aliens **–**

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE: OHMYGOSH THE DOCTOR! -Faints-

GANDALF: - and Humans alike! I am your announcer for the evening. Umm…. This here is… Star Wars Revisited… -mumbles- if anyone decides to show up.

LUKE: -flies in on a broomstick- aren't you from Lord Of The Rings?

GANDALF: Well… -looks sheepish, then suddenly looks up and points at Luke- Aren't you supposed to be flashing blue and green lightsabers? Why are you on a broomstick?

LUKE: Good point. -Shrugs and flies off-

GANDALF: -rolls eyes and sighs- Yes, WELL. -Starts as The TARDIS (THE DOCTOR's ship) materializes right in front of him.- Umm… Hi. -Stares-

SAME PERSON IN AUDIENCE: OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH THE DOCTOR!! -Tripple faint-

DOCTOR: -Pops out of the TARDIS with ROSE- I'm the Doctor! And I just snogged Madame de Pompadour!

ROSE: -Shrieks, horrified, and slaps the Doctor round the face- You WHAT?

DOCTOR: -Gapes at her- what was THAT for?

ROSE: You flippin' SNOGGED that stupid jerk?! I've been waiting for one for AGES! And being possessed sure as heck didn't count, coz for one, it wasn't me!

DOCTOR:-shrugs- Pearls before swine.

ROSE: I KNOW WHAT SWINE IS! YOU JUST CALLED ME A PIG! -Shrieks again and chases the Doctor from the room, armed with a chicken and her intense Tyler slap-

GANDALF: stares blankly after them and turns back to the audience RIGHT then. Now we bring you –

(GANDALF is cut off when HAN SOLO and CHEWIE run in being chased by DARTH VADER and YODA who are both throwing salted peanuts at them)

HAN SOLO: Chewie, I TOLD you cracking that egg over Yoda's head was a bad idea!

CHEWIE: -whines- (which means something like "Yeah, and yelling 'Kiss my Wookie' at Vader wasn't? I'm insulted!")

VADER: -breathes hoarsly- I heard that.

HAN SOLO: How do you know what he says? Only I can!

VADER: I'm versed in Wookie language. It's an art.

YODA: ELEVATE! -Levitates as he and VADER slowly gain on HAN SOLO and CHEWIE-

HAN SOLO: Whatever happened to Yodas not being able to climb stairs?

VADER: That's Daleks you're thinking of, son.

HAN SOLO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, old man. For the third time today, I am NOT YOUR SON.-Sighs- where is Luke when I need him? -Out of nowhere comes a lightsaber as if chucked at HAN- That answers_ that_ question.

VADER: -shrugs- Dunno, but you'll do. -Pelts more peanuts**- But** that means you can't marry Leia.

HAN SOLO: My life's obviously not worth living then. I think you should stick to Luke.

YODA: EXTERMINATE!!

(HAN, CHEWIE, YODA and VADER all exit, and Gandalf is left perched on a chair with popcorn on his beard, having enjoyed their banter tremendously)

GANDALF: Oh, right… -Shoots up and dusts off popcorn from beard, then walks back to the stage- anyone else there? -Calls out- Anyone at all? No one? No one just waiting to mess up my intro AGAIN and make me pelt peanuts at them? -Silence- -Takes deep breath- Okay. Here it goes –

(ROSEMARY suddenly appears)

ROSEMARY: Laura, Laura! Is that a… -gasp- dead body I see? Oh, it's FELIX! Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no! How will we ever get our garden done in time with all these human testicles about? Well, we must get into some - -sees Gandalf- Oh, hullo there… Gandalf isn't it? Have you seen my friend, Laura?

GANDALF: -just stares blankly- Uh?

(LAURA walks in, followed by a SLITHEEN)

LAURA: Here I am, Rosemary! And look what I've found! -Gestures to SLITHEEN- They have a real interest in gardening!

SLITHEEN: We **love** to help, little, delicious – I mean little, precious humans.

(Suddenly ROSE runs in, being chased by the young version of OBI WAN)

OBI WAN: -Calls in hopeful voice- But wait… can't I get your number?

ROSE: I might have considered when you drove your landspeeder accidently into the TARDIS…but when you knocked the Doctor clean out with the Force, it kind of got out of hand. -Sees SLITHEEN and pauses- Oh, hi, Margaret! -keeps running-

OBI WAN: -Runs further in pursuit after ROSE as SLITHEEN waves- -Whines- But he was going to attack you!

ROSE: -Calls back over her shoulder as she finally stops, furious- He was actually coming onto me… WHICH you ruined, thank you very much! I've been waiting practically FOREVER for it to happen… and just when it does, a stupid Jedi Knight has to come BLUNDERING in and ruin EVERYTHING! Now it will take a Transporter Truck to flatten him, maybe a re-appearence of Captain Jack –

(CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW pops in immediately after ROSE says this, interrupting her speech)

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Did you say Captain Jack?

ROSE: -pouts- I mean Captain Jack HARKNESS. Use your brains people. Since when has Doctor Who crossed over with Pirates of The Carribean? I mean, we haven't even crossed over with Torchwood, for goodness sake! -Frowns thoughtfully- Maybe I should talk to the writers about that… -runs to Russel T. Davis- I demand proper closure! If I'm going to be gone I want to at least do something worthwhile, such as aide Jack or SOMETHING!

OBI WAN: I am so lost. What movie are we in now?

(QUI GON JIN appears out of the blue)

VADER: I believe they're called Telly Shows. -Munches appreciatively on salted peanuts-

OBI WAN: -Gasps, runs and hugs QUI GON- MASTER!

QUI GON: -blinks and double takes, focuses on OBI WAN- Darn, I thought I lost you when I died!

OBI WAN: You can never lose me.

QUI GON: Yes, my point exactly.

(FRODO waltzes in, dancing with an elf that suspiciously looks like LEGOLAS to MOONLIGHT SERENADE)

FRODO: Hullo!

LEGOLAS: Yo.

(ROSE runs in)

ROSE: -Starts shouting at Frodo and Legolas- Hey, you can't start dancing to someone else's song! That's me and Jack's song and almost mine and the Doctor's, but he didn't want to dance, so we ended up talkin' about Jack 'n that!! How dare you! This is discrimination!

LEGOLAS: It's not your song.

FRODO: It's not your song.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well...

MOONLIGHT SERENADE: Last time I checked, I was my OWN song.

CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW: -Looks puzzled- well, now that I think about it, we never HAD a song… I mean, have I even seen you before? That rum must be getting to my head…

ROSE: -exasperated- Not YOU! Captain Jack Harkn –

(CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS appears with Hyper Vodkas in each hand)

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: -blinks, looks at Rose- heya, honey.

ROSE: Get those olives out of your mouth before you choke on them. They better not be Ooliy! (Pronounced AWWW-LEEE) -Hugs him-

EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT THE DOCTOR: Aw….

ROSE: -Mutters- Now all I need is a Transport Truck…

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: Don't look at me; I don't know where you can get one. Talk to Mickey. Didn't he save the universe in a yellow truck? -Munches thoughtfully on toothpick - -Lowers voice and nudges ROSE- I still think he's an idiot.

ROSE: -Growls- You're not the only one…

DOCTOR: -Still knocked out cold-

ROSE: -bounces up and down- What bounces up and down and says 'exterminate!'?

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: -guesses- A Dalek that can fly?

VADER: A bad impression of Will Turner?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND WILL TURNER FANGIRLS: OI!

ROSE: -happily- NO! A DALEK ON A POGO STICK!

(ROSE and CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS roll on floor laughing hysterically)

GANDALF: What happened to Star Wars?

EVERYONE: -Leaves at the mention of the film-

GANDALF: -Sighs- Now, back to the mission at hand. -Coughs- Actually, I'll think I'll just leave it with George Lucas. Why am I even HERE? Right, I think I'll go have a cuppa and chip feast with Sauron.

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_**If ye want more, there's... more where that came from! if this doesn't belong in the Doctor Who category, let me know and I'll change it! **_


End file.
